you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
