My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
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She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
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If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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