I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
