Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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