Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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