Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
