So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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