literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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