Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
