When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
