So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
