Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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