The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
There's always time for handjobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize