I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
