I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
