i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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