The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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