i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
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