I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
