"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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