it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
