I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
