His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
