I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
it was like his penis was on wheels.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
