It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
