i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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