i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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