I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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