Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
