roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
