Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
