i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Sorry my hands just texted you
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
