i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
