i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
