I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
