fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize