My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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