it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
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