my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
