I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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