I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
two words: eviction party
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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