Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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