i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
