He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
