I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
