i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
