My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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