We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
