I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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