i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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