you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
