I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
