a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Are we still banned from the library?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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