The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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