And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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