She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize