the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
