How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
