How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
