hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
