you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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