Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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